* Context offered at the bottom of this post. xo
My dearest A + A and little Lou,
The truth is that something horrible has happened. And so has something absolutely exquisite.
But you know that, don’t you? Because you skipped and trudged and crawled and danced your way through every tragically exquisite moment, right along with us, didn’t you?
That horrible thing and that wonderful one. . .well, they aren’t two things at all, now are they? No, my darlings. They are one. They are the same.
And this one horrible, wonderful thing is something that I wouldn’t give away for all stars in the heavens or all the sand in the sea or any and all of the tiny wonderful things the world has ever known. Do you hear my words? Let them sink to the deepest part of who you are, sweetest hearts. Because never have words held more profound truth.
The pain has been fierce and wicked and completely all encompassing. And yet, and yet. . . always, there’s a yet. . . the joy has been the precise balance to each suffocating pain . . . and THEN—that joy has gone and overflowed a thousand times and a thousand more.
Because, my darlings, who could I ever be without you? Without having held you to my chest and smelled your sweet chocolate skin pressed against my face. . . without the sound of your incomprehensible, unassuming. . . PERFECT JOY ringing in my ears. . . without my eyes having been blessed by the radiant light of your smiles???
Since I met you, I have fallen apart (and then back together again) at least a hundred times. Nothing about this has been easy, my darlings. BUT EVERYTHING HAS BEEN BETTER.
If you ever find these words, my beautiful Summer Flower, my Glorious Sunshiney Day and my Perfect Stormy Sea . . .please know, that despite the excruciating pain, Mommy will never regret you. You will, forever and ever, be the crowning achievement of our family’s life. Every sacrifice was a raindrop in the ocean compared to the swell of love and light and beauty you brought into our world.
“No matter where you go, Mommy’s love will follow you there.” I hope you can forever hear the soft echo of those words, singing their way through your sweet little ears.
But if you don’t, because someday, you won’t. . . I hope you always know, on the deepest, most sacred level, you are worth it—you are worth everything, you always where, you always will be, you always are. Never have I seen more clearly into the face of the divine than when I looked into your bright eyes. And even when you forget me, even when you stop hearing my voice as you fall asleep at night, long after you’ve stopped hearing my laughter on the wind. . . decades after you’ve stopped meeting me in your dreams. . . I will STILL and FOREVER be loving you, and you will STILL and FOREVER be three of the most beautiful angels to have walked their way across this Earth. . .and parked a while here, in our arms.
And yet, and still, and always, God is real, and He is good. He loves you, my angels. And so do I.
**Context: As a general rule, I don’t believe a good blog post should require a formal preface. But if ever there were an exception, I believe that it’s here, and I believe that it’s now. (Though, I still couldn’t bring myself to host said preface at the top of the post, le sigh.)
2 years ago, Richie and I became the adoring foster parents of three of the seven best children ever born on this earth—the other four came out of my very own uterus, and I couldn’t love any one of these seven humans more or less than another if I actively tried.
This kind of love, well, it’s simply ineffable.
We didn’t plan on any of this. When we met the children, we weren’t a licensed foster family. We weren’t even considering becoming a licensed foster family. . . like, ever. Foster care was one of those beautifully honorable things that other people did.
But one morning, we woke up, and there they were. (Believe it or not, I’m being relatively literal here, though unfortunately I can’t go into details of any sort [which has been one of the more challenging and isolating aspects of this entire journey].)
The short of it all is that they needed us. And wether she realized it at the time, or not, their biological mom needed us. And frankly, as we would come to learn, our family needed them too.
They didn’t just need SOMEBODY. No, I don’t believe that for a hot second. They needed us. And again, we needed them. The most pure and precious power of divinity brought us together. And that, is a fact.
And now, after a two year blogging hiatus. . . after just under 730 days of twists and turns and bends and forks and peaks and valleys. . . and free falls into what felt like the absolute oblivion of time and space navigating our country’s nefarious foster care system and fighting for these kids—it’s time for us to say, “goodbye.” This, my friends. . . is act one of that goodbye.