I’ve spent the last 6 months wondering how I’d ever return to the world wide web. I’ve been afraid, ashamed, discouraged, confused.
I’ve been a million things, but none of them was ever “ready.”
So, here I am. . . reluctantly breaking radio silence, after nearly 6 months of static.
I missed you. I did. And I’m so sorry for deserting you. I am.
I’m nervous. Of all the ridiculousness there ever was, I.am.nervous.
It’s like I’m coming home to a long lost friend. The kind of friend who once understood me completely and loved me without condition. The kind of friend who, once upon a time, would have been there for me, no matter what. . . But it’s been so long. What if things have changed? What if it’s simply been too long? What if I’ve muddled everything?
In fact, my heart is pounding through my chest. (And tears are streaming down my cheeks. . . which really embarrasses me—full disclosure, remember? It’s my thing. Or have I been away so long that you’ve forgotten?)
“This is absurd,” you say? I KNOW! You are ABSOLUTELY correct. This is absurd. We’re talking about a BLOG here, and a peripheral one at that! I.hear.you. I feeeeeeeeel you. And, despite it all, this is exceptionally hard. Picking up the pieces and beginning again where I stand is hard in a way that I could never, ever have anticipated.
It hurts to worry that no one is left to listen. It hurts to admit that, well, even if you are still there listening, I just don’t know what I have left to say. And THAT? Well, that’s the most horrifying admission of them all. . .
So, why today? Why not yesterday? A week ago, a month ago, six?
Why am I suddenly ready, today?
Oh, I’m not. Ready. Not at all.
But enough. Enough. Because this isn’t about me. It has nothing to do with me at all.
I’m here today for you, Adler. For you, Sarah. And for you, brave, selfless McKay.
I am here today, for you.*
Let’s help give this family the miracle they so deserve. Let’s help these beautiful brothers grow up together.
Let’s fix Adler, together.
*Sarah, McKay, Adler and the rest of you sweet kindred stranger-friends of mine, I pray so earnestly that you receive a miracle. I pray with every beat of my heart that God hears my prayers. I pray fervently that His perfect will is aligned with my own. And I pray, with the entirety of my broken heart, that your miracle looks far different than my own—I pray that your miracle ends with happily ever after. . . together. . .forever. . .here . . .now. Infinite love, and the most heartfelt namaste, Natalie