Natalie Norton Photography

Remember that night?

When you were dying, but daddy wasn’t there yet?

Did you know how frightened I was?

I tried so hard to steady my voice.

I tried so hard to steady my hands as I searched for any vacant space on your tender body, that wasn’t covered by tubes and wires, where I could stroke you. . . to let you know I hadn’t left your side.

I remember that night like it was yesterday.

I remember being told not to leave the hospital. I remember being told to stay with you until morning, because he thought you would die in the night. Though he never said as much. He was kind, but had very little faith in us. You and I. In our love for each other. In what that love was capable of . And he didn’t know what we knew. He didn’t know that God was on our side and that He never loses. GOD NEVER LOSES.

But for the first time, I was really afraid. I mean REALLY, REALLY horrified.

Silent prayers ROARED from my broken heart to Heavens door. And I was filled with peace. A peace that perhaps I  misunderstood, but that proved to be perfect in the end.

And in that peace, I found courage.  I stood over your bed, and with one hand on each side of your beautiful face:

Tonight, as I read these words, I wept. Oh how I cried.

Because I could hear you.

I could hear you saying these words to me.

Over and over and over and over.
And again.

As I looked back along the dusty, lonely road I’ve traveled this year, I could suddenly see you, there, walking right by my side.

Oh son, thank you! Thank you for not leaving me to go it alone!

I will never stop fighting for you; I will never stop fighting for them, because I know what I’m fighting for. And I know who’s team I’m on.

And like I said before, God NEVER loses. GOD NEVER LOSES.

I’m suddenly overwhelmed by memories of what it felt like to be there.

I remember feeling so helpless. I remember feeling like I was powerless. I remember feeling completely resigned to God’s will for us (which I was 100% CERTAIN was aligned with my own).

Oh my faith!

Never had more faith been had!

I KNEW my son was coming home. I KNEW it like I knew the sun would set . . . upon his pain and my terror and sorrow. I knew it as I knew that the dawn would come . . . and heal his wounded body and my wounded soul.

I KNEW.

And yet.

And yet, God knows all things from the beginning to the end. God knows what we need. God knows what must be done for our ultimate good. God loves us, and he knows. . . all.

HE KNOWS ALL.

And I trust him. With all of my heart.

With.all.of.my.heart.

In those darkest of hours, He stood by my side. I felt His peace at a time where there should have been none to be had.

Oh that peace. Would there were words to describe.

xx,

Me

To you who hurt:

Trust him.

He knows you. He loves you. He is with you. Always. No matter the burden, no matter how helpless it may seem, no matter the depth of your worry or sorrow. He descended below all that you might not remain comfortless. I pray that you may turn to him, that you may feel his loving arms around you.

He is the perfect friend.

It’s not that I’m ignoring the elephant in the room.

I simply don’t know what to say, and I refuse to talk simply to hear the sound of my own voice. That’s never a good enough reason.

But know this, we are facing this week head on and taking it one step at a time.

That’s all that can be done.

For all the begging and pleading in the world won’t earn me another moment with him in this life.

If only it could.
If only it could.
If only it could.

But trust this my dear, sweet, loving, concerned, CHERISHED friends. . . I feel your prayers.

Every.single.one.

They dance beside me by day and keep watch by my pillow through the night.

Our arms may be empty, but our hearts are full.

Because of you.

Our hearts are full.

There is TRUE power in prayer.

God is good.  All the time.

xo,

Me

PS- I’m going to try to relive every day as it unfolded (thus the link above). Masochistic? No. These posts remind me that I fought. That I gave my EVERYTHING. They remind me how much we loved each other, that beautiful boy and I. They remind me how loved we all were, how each of you showered your love and faith so freely. They remind me of the goodness of God. They remind me that we are NEVER left comfortless, for even in our darkest hour, He stands, arms outstretched, waiting for us to let Him in.