let's be friends, wanna?

Cardon Gregory turns 7.

click here to open post Apr 16, 2012 | posted in Cardon, Children, Personal, Portraits | 21 comments

Cardie,

I love everything about you. From the freckles that softly brush your nose, to the way you sing yourself to sleep. I love the depth of your soul and your complete clarity surrounding what matters to you and why. I love the way you love me. I love the way you live simply to be loved, cherished and understood. I love how hard you work. I know “it’s” infinitely harder for you than many. Your mommy recognizes this, and son, your response to life fills.me.with.pride. I LOVE YOU. I hope to be just like you when I finally grow up.

I hope you enjoy these images of you, simply being you; I hope you can see and feel the ABSOLUTE JOY in every one.

I couldn’t separate you from the ant hills. You were completely memorized. You noticed everything wonderful. . . about an ant. “Mommy, look how STRONG they are!” “Mommy, look how they stay in a line when they walk!” “Mommy, what would happen if I put my finger in their hole?” And oooonnnnnnnnn and oooooonnnnnnnn. You care about every detail of this beautiful world we live in. Gosh, I love this about you.

You made mommy jump too. . . and of course you insisted on taking pictures. It hurt my back. But you still made me do it twice, so you could get the perfect shot. You’re hard to turn down, son. This will bless you someday. I’m confident enough of this not to squash it out of you. . . even though it certainly doesn’t seem to bless me, today. ;)

You love sand. Every day, you come home with 2 shoes and 2 pockets fulllllll. :) And every day, you dump it all over my hard wood floor. I even love THAT about you. (Sort of.)

This is my favorite picture of you, ever (maybe):

Your spirit has been bigger than your body since the day I first held you in my arms. No doubt about it. Here’s proof of what I’ve seen in you forever:

Happy birthday, my Cardie boy. “Whatever you say, I love you more.” ~M

21 comments | add comment
  • Kelli Nicole: These are wonderful!!! I love everything about them. He IS an incredible boy. What an amazing family you have. April 17, 2012 12:09 am
  • Jo Thomas: WOW, these are AMAZING photographs - I don't even know Cardon (bar from the stories you tell) but from the photos you took, his personality doesn't really shine through so much as it jumps right out and grabs you and whisks you off on such a boy adventure!! Happy Birthday Cardon, how blessed you are to have a mum who ADORES you, xo April 17, 2012 12:33 am
  • Erin H.: One of my favorite shoots your have ever posted. He's got a special something in that smile... way to go Mama, what a wonderful boy! xoxo to you! April 17, 2012 3:10 am
  • Chelsea: Cardon!!!!!! Uncle Ben and I miss you sososo much!! My heart melts when I see these pics! Miss you! love you! April 17, 2012 7:02 am
  • Taylor: Oh Cardie boy I love you!!! April 17, 2012 7:38 am
  • Meghan Harrison: You make me not be sad that the boy in my belly (3 more weeks!) will one day grow up. I hope he calls me Mommy the way Cardon does you - and I hope I can express my love for him the way you can. April 17, 2012 7:54 am
  • mer: happy birthday sweet, handsome boy!!! love the stories about the ants :) so SMART! April 17, 2012 8:15 am
  • Shelly: My heart melts every single time I think of Cardon. And HURTS because I want to be with him every day:) He's the one that "gets" how wonderful the little things are, as you've said much better than I can. Last time we were together I laughed out loud at the thought of how the two of us sounded when we were oohing and ahhing over a rock! Such awesome photos, Nat. You captured him! Of course you did -- you're his mommy! April 17, 2012 8:25 am
  • Kim Orlandini: Pure joy. Pure bliss. LOVE! April 17, 2012 8:53 am
  • Shari Hanson: so sweet! i love them. he is such a handsome little man! xoxo April 17, 2012 10:20 am
  • Lara Cheney: Happy Birthday Cardon! I hope you have a very special day since you are such a very special boy! I love the photo session. I need to do more to capture my kids in everyday life and for special moments too. April 17, 2012 10:33 am
  • natalie: Shelly! I laughed, HARD, when I read your words about "ooing and awing over a rock." EXACTLY. How can you not just ADORE the heart and soul of this boy? Down to every single fiber of his beautiful little self! April 17, 2012 11:42 am
  • kati: oh, natalie, they're just perfect! he shines so bright. April 17, 2012 1:34 pm
  • Dee Parramore: What a wonderful tribute! His personality reminds me of my 11yo son. Thank you for sharing!! April 17, 2012 1:46 pm
  • Jamie: This is beautiful! Love your use of negative space. Well done and happy birthday Cardon! April 17, 2012 3:35 pm
  • Ashley Aikele: Love these pics Nat... They ring so true. Happy Birthday Cardon! April 18, 2012 9:10 am
  • natalie: Wow these photos are a great inspiration, the posing and the composition, I will be using some of this inspiration for my 20 year old son! Even though he is a lot older than Cardon...I just love the easy manner of these pics, my son is soooo difficult to photograph....but hopefully I can drag him out now that I have some inspiration! Thanks for sharing....your photos are always so amazing! April 18, 2012 11:24 pm
  • Stephanie Joy: This is practically perfect in every way. A loving tribute to a great kid! April 19, 2012 10:58 am
  • amanda: i could look at the pictures you take all day! they tell such insanely wonderful stories. incredible!! April 23, 2012 1:15 pm
  • shannon m: LOVE that you do this. April 24, 2012 4:44 pm
  • Kindsay: LOVE!!!!!!! April 24, 2012 11:45 pm

Be who you are.

click here to open post Apr 12, 2012 | posted in Authenticity, Personal, inspiration | 11 comments

I love this quote so much.

I’m really working on GROWING right now. I’m reeeeeeeeeeaching, learning, changing, embracing, submitting.  I’m committed to living deliberately, and part of that commitment requires me to take a long hard look into every corner of my life to determine if it’s all intentionally aligned with my heart.

It’s hard.

I think it would be hard for anyone. But one of my biggest revelations throughout this process has been how deeply difficult the process has been for me. I’m finding untapped reserves of grief along with other emotions that I didn’t know I’d harbored. This introspection is intriguing. . . and painful. . . and deeply frustrating, in a nearly infuriating kind of way . . . but underneath alllllll of that, it’s worth it.

I just want to be me. Healthy. Happy. Complete. Whatever that takes, whatever that means, mostly so that my children have permission to do and be the same.  I don’t want to set any example for them but that of LOVE, AUTHENTICITY, CONNECTION, COURAGE, KINDNESS and JOY.

So here I am. . . reaching, learning, changing, embracing, submitting. . . being me.

11 comments | add comment
  • Kate: Way to go!!! April 12, 2012 3:20 pm
  • Jon Lang: Natalie, thank you for being who you are and doing what you do. I read your blog and find things so applicable to my life and the challenges and successes that I am living. I love learning, wherever I come by it, and often it is on your blog! Aloha April 12, 2012 6:10 pm
  • mer: seriously woman.... you.are.STUNNING! love you to the moon :) April 13, 2012 8:24 am
  • Amie W: I could feel every word echoing in my soul. How you do that has me in awe. Thank you for sharing your soul. Your courage is a standard to be followed. April 13, 2012 10:35 am
  • Jo Thomas: Oh Nat, I could only think of one thing to say... I love you... being you. Just keep growing, you have a lifetime ahead of you to keep bettering it. Thank you so much for your ever inspiring perspective and the quote. xxx April 14, 2012 7:22 am
  • nicola Cross: I don't feel so alone... or nuts..... anything is better than stagnating and i find more and more i accept the hurt and relax it .... disipates... apparently everyone knew this but never told me..... go figure. Thank you. :) April 14, 2012 8:25 am
  • Liz: I love the capitalized words at the end - especially JOY. Having really not tried to find or let myself experience it in the last couple of years, I would love to find all those words in my life again, but especially that one. What's that other quote? Be yourself, because no one else can be you? Or something like that! :) April 15, 2012 1:49 pm
  • natalie: Nicola, It's amazing how it all works. The pain is actually a means to the peace. I didn't know either. . . until I did. You know? Blessings to you. April 15, 2012 9:13 pm
  • natalie: Jon, Thank you so much. You made my day. :) xo! April 15, 2012 9:16 pm
  • MUSTS | Gina Zeidler MUSTS | Destination Photographer based in Minneapolis, MN: [...] list). I am committing to these! Why? Because I want to be ME. The best me. Natalie wrote in her blog post last week and I couldn’t say it better “I just want to be me. Healthy. Happy. Complete. [...] April 16, 2012 1:04 pm
  • Sally: Can I just say I LOVE your blog. Every.single.time I pop in here I find something inspiring I needed to hear. Thank you and Aloha from the bottom of my soul. April 19, 2012 10:14 pm

Happy Easter + remember that time I photographed a beautiful little angel’s funeral?

click here to open post Apr 08, 2012 | posted in Baby Gavin, God is Good, Personal, inspiration | 62 comments

A few months ago, I was sitting on a curb at the boy’s school, watching them hi ya their way through Karate class out on the soccer field.

A beautiful blonde woman came and sat near me. I’m not sure how our conversation began, but within 45 seconds (it seemed), we were both in tears. Her daughter, Kalyn . . . was dying. And there wasn’t anything anybody could do to change it.

Two strangers. . .

Sitting on the curb. . . in the middle of the desert. . . relating on such a personal and intimate level. Never try to tell me that God is not meticulously mindful of his children.

The two of us, through tears, spoke of love and loss . . . of faith and hope. We spoke of fear and courage and submission to the perfect(ly terrifying) will of God. We only had moments together, before we were surrounded by noisy boys, ready for their momma’s undivided attention. Through misty eyes, I quickly told my new friend that I would be more than willing to photograph Kalyn’s funeral when the time came (at that point, she was optimistic that they had as many as 6 months to go, if not more).

Lisa and I lost touch for a couple of months after our “chance” encounter at Karate that day. 2 months later, almost to the day, Raleigh came home from school and told me that a little boy in his class had lost his big sister to cancer. I immediately knew it was Kalyn. I tracked Lisa down, and 2 days later, I found myself facing the most challenging shoot of my career. How would I even BEGIN to know how to approach this? I turned to Heavenly Father and essentially said, you got me in to this mess. . . you certainly better help me out of it. :) Not really (um. . .yes, really).

Today is Easter, and as I spent some time preparing this slideshow from beautiful Kalyn’s funeral, I was reminded of the astonishing POWER of the atonement and the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

POWER OVER DEATH?! When we say “glory to God,” GOSH! We certainly mean it.

I’m so thankful for my understanding. I’m so thankful for my relationship with God and his son, Jesus Christ. I testify that EACH of us are KNOWN and LOVED by our Savior. He is our literal spirit brother, and he is EVER mindful of our welfare. He is ever accessible. As we cast our burdens upon him, they are made light. This is TRUE. And always so.

Happiest Easter!

Without further ado, sweet Kalyn. She was loved DEEPLY by all who knew her. . . her family, very most of all. So thankful to know, that because of Jesus Christ, their separation is only temporary.




Remember this BEAUTIFUL SONG written for us by our (now) friend, Ryan Tanner? It’s dripping with love. I couldn’t find a THING that was more fitting than this.

(Thank you, Jon, for giving me the courage to do this in the first place. You taught me what a real treasure these images can be. I’d say it again, but you already know how very much I love you.)

62 comments | add comment
  • Jessica: Natalie this is beautiful! I'm holding back sobs! What a a beautiful blessing these pictures will be to this family. I was able to photograph my grandfathers funeral last December and it was such a precious experience. thank you for sharing this :) April 8, 2012 10:13 pm
  • Ruth Kongaika: Very beautiful tribute to an obviously sweet girl. Your photography is sensitive and expressive. Very inspirational. April 8, 2012 10:13 pm
  • Kate: Stunning stunning stunning. I was so touched. April 8, 2012 10:15 pm
  • Kim: Beautiful. Tears. Well done my friend. April 8, 2012 10:17 pm
  • Kelly: Revelation 1:15-18 was part of our Easter message today. Your post reminded me of it, because Jesus called Himself "the everliving"...which our pastor said means "ever-available"! That is such an awesome thing. He's not only on the other side of the veil waiting our arrival, He is HERE. When Jesus put His hand on John and touched him He said, "Do not be afraid." He was saying, "It's Me. You know Me. It's okay." We will see Jesus one day, and we will drop to our knees in awe and wonder! But He will say to us, "Do not be afraid." It's Me. You're mine. It's okay. This was very beautiful, Natalie. That meeting between you two moms was ordained. She needed you right at that very time in her life and God knew it. You're a true blessing. :) Happy Easter. April 8, 2012 11:36 pm
  • Kirsten: Your photography is magical and emotive. Even of a funeral. Especially of a funeral. April 9, 2012 3:07 am
  • Darlene: Natalie what incredible photos - you capture the day beautifully thank you for sharing. I have mixed emotions about viewing this post because I have breast cancer and have been staying positive so viewing a funeral was on my list of things to do but your photos were incredible especially being in b&w. April 9, 2012 3:08 am
  • Kelley Danielson: Natalie - I love you!!!! You are amazing. This tribute is wonderful, and beautifully created... I LOVE YOU!!! Darlene - Stay Stong, Fight like a girl :) and big hugs to you!!! xoxo April 9, 2012 8:54 am
  • Damaris @KitchenCorners: My biggest fear in life is that I'll have to bury one of my children. These pictures made me sob, but at the same time they brought so much peace. You are so good at being a tool in the lord's hands. April 9, 2012 10:01 am
  • shannon m: So touching and beautiful. April 9, 2012 10:14 am
  • crystal winger: You were meant to do that for that family, could not have been any one better. So sad, but such a beautiful goodbye. April 9, 2012 10:16 am
  • Shari Hanson: those two little ones, peering down over the edge of the grave... oh there are no words! not only were you placed in Lisa's life as a gift from God, you were placed in mine. i hope you know just how truly special and loved you are. i had never seen funeral photos until I saw baby Gavin's... and after that all I could think was how special those images are to your family. what a special gift to give to Kalyn's family. xoxo MUCH LOVE! and p.s. DARLENE - the Savior knows EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. you are not alone. April 9, 2012 10:52 am
  • April: I am sure these will be such a treasure for the family, great work! April 9, 2012 11:23 am
  • Elena: Absolutely beautiful!!!!!! April 9, 2012 3:27 pm
  • Jenni: Beautiful. You are such a blessing in so many people's lives, including ours. Absolutely beautiful. April 9, 2012 5:58 pm
  • Angela: Oh so beautiful. April 9, 2012 8:28 pm
  • Jess Cudzilo: Some of the most beautiful images I've ever seen. So much love to you and that sweet, sweet family. April 9, 2012 8:51 pm
  • Kelly: so beautiful Natalie. its amazing the beauty you could pull in such a painful event. you are a truely gifted person. April 9, 2012 8:53 pm
  • Bekki webb: Ok how crazy is it that I used to be her primary teacher when she was 3-4 shewastge cutesy an sweetest little girl. April 9, 2012 9:13 pm
  • Becky: I am a mess. Your are amazing. Thank you for sharing the beautiful gift that He has given you with this family.and with us. April 9, 2012 9:24 pm
  • Leonila: I feel so sad for the family who lost their daugther. Condolence. But we believe that Families can be together forever. Thank you Natalie for sharing this. It is so touching. April 9, 2012 11:45 pm
  • Cherokee: There are no words. Your strength, your talent and your heart continue to touch me. May God bless Kalyn's family. April 10, 2012 12:45 am
  • Michele: What a gift you have given this family at a time of such loss. Beautifully sensitive, filled with emotion, simple yet powerful, and just... moving. You moved me. April 10, 2012 3:14 am
  • Stacia: Natalie, What an incredible gift you have given this family during such a tragic time in their lives. Your vision and voice through these images is one of experience and understanding. I'm sure you have not only given them treasured photographs but also strength and faith and hope. I'll be thinking of them and sending all of those things their way as well. xoxo. April 10, 2012 5:13 am
  • Dolly: I was not expecting to be so moved. My eyeballs got very sweaty. I thought my tear ducts gave up this month after my world was changed forever this year. These IMAGES and THAT SONG... It's pure poetry. April 10, 2012 8:23 am
  • Amy Cole: This touches my heart and speaks to me. This will be such a blessing for the family. Beautiful. Tearful. and blessed. April 10, 2012 11:44 am
  • Shelly: You were very brave to do this, Nat! Very beautiful work -- so touching. My prayers go to this sweet family for what they're going through, and thankfulness for you and your generosity of spirit. Love you!! April 10, 2012 1:07 pm
  • Donna N.: Natalie, this was beautiful and powerful. THIS is why, YOU are why I will see you in July. April 10, 2012 9:17 pm
  • Malone: Hello, Natalie. We don't know each other, but I have been a fan of your work for quite a while, and I pray for your family. I too recently photographed a child's funeral, and it was truly the most difficult thing I ever did. I hadn't seen these beautiful images yet, but I have to say, the photos you posted of baby Gavin's funeral, gave the courage and motivation I needed to make sure the parents could always remember their last moments with their little one. I haven't got any children yet, so I couldn't possibly understand what they were going through, so thank you, once again, for showing that these images will be treasured. April 11, 2012 3:28 am
  • Jennifer: Sister! As usual you caught the beauty in such a tragic time! I love you and your work continues to amaze me! April 11, 2012 4:04 am
  • egle b: Your blog was always something special and I believe I never left a comment here. This time is different. It must take a lot of strength to photograph a funeral. You did it in such a sensitive way. It's so special... April 11, 2012 5:08 am
  • sarah: Heartbreaking, beautiful. You have a gift, thank you for sharing it. Many prayers will be said in this sweet families behalf. xo April 11, 2012 10:21 pm
  • Aloysius: no words could express the depth and essense of what you have captured. Bless you. Just happened to see your page and was inspired. By the way I am Aloysius from India. April 12, 2012 1:02 am
  • ellen patton: Those photos definitely tell the story of someone who was loved by many. They are beautiful. April 12, 2012 12:03 pm
  • Heather: Having buried a child of my own my heart goes out to you and to this family. At such a difficult time, I know that I would love to have had such beautiful images of that day. To remind me of the love that surrounded us during that wretched and tender time. Truly a gift and treasure you have given them. April 12, 2012 1:12 pm
  • Emily: Oh, wow. Read your post on DPS today, and followed the link over here. Seriously weeping. The images are beautiful and raw and real. As one who lost a brother when we were both teenagers, I'm sure these images are and will be a precious gift to the grieving family. Thank you for sharing your heart! April 13, 2012 8:28 am
  • How to Photograph a Funeral :: 4 Tips I Hope you Never have to Use | Basic Digital photography ( Let s Photo): [...] Two months later, I found myself in a room filled with grief stricken friends and family, tearfully saying “goodbye” a beautiful little angel, Kalyn. (You can read the whole story, here.) [...] April 13, 2012 8:54 am
  • How to Photograph a Funeral :: 4 Tips I Hope you Never have to Use | clickshots: [...] Two months later, I found myself in a room filled with grief stricken friends and family, tearfully saying “goodbye” a beautiful little angel, Kalyn. (You can read the whole story, here.) [...] April 13, 2012 9:30 am
  • How to Photograph a Funeral :: 4 Tips I Hope you Never have to Use - Digital Photo Help: [...] Two months later, I found myself in a room filled with grief stricken friends and family, tearfully saying “goodbye” a beautiful little angel, Kalyn. (You can read the whole story, here.) [...] April 13, 2012 10:33 am
  • Madie: We too lost a Sister, Daughter and Friend to cancer in 2007 when she was just 14 years old. These pictures brought all the memories back of that day we had to say goodbye. You did a beautiful job of photographing and capturing those precious, but oh so hard moments. April 13, 2012 1:06 pm
  • michaela: you did a beautiful job. what an amazing gift you could give to this grieving family. i'm in tears. you can feel the emotion in those photos. very powerful. April 13, 2012 1:11 pm
  • Silke: Oh Natalie, if only I had seen this earlier. What a wonderful gift you gave this family. We were away over Easter and got the news that the 15year old daughter of our friends had died. Day after we returned we had to go to the funeral and I had zero time to think a clear thought. Not sure if I could have done it, this girl's death was very close to home and I couldn't speak, say the prayers, sing, nothing. Maybe shooting the event and documenting the love that was in the room would have kept me busy and I would have functioned somehow. I would have loved to create such wonderful memories for the family. Thanks for this post, still learning so much from you. Much love x April 13, 2012 11:19 pm
  • Pablo Millan, Jr.: Hello from the far side of the globe Ms Natalie. A big amen to your very touching post. I was browsing for photography tips but came away with much much more. I lost my mom more than 2 years ago (September 1, 2010 seven days before my birthday) and altho I'd like to say me and my siblings have moved on...somehow for me, something infinitely small refused to heal. Your post possibly showed me how. God Bless to a sister in Christ! April 14, 2012 4:37 am
  • Brenda: Absolutely stunning. How blessed you have been to have been trusted with such a special gift and opportunity to use that gift . God put you right where you need to be and you did Him proud. April 14, 2012 6:13 am
  • Joey Bouchard Photography How to Photograph a Funeral :: 4 Tips I Hope you Never have to Use: [...] Two months later, I found myself in a room filled with grief stricken friends and family, tearfully saying “goodbye” a beautiful little angel, Kalyn. (You can read the whole story, here.) [...] April 14, 2012 11:26 am
  • pamela telgenhoff: amazing...absolutely moving and amazing! April 14, 2012 4:46 pm
  • Photography at a Funeral: How Images can Heal « vitalityimages: [...] am so glad I read it, not for the 4 tips, but for the story and backstory. I suggest you do so by clicking the links above or the rest of this post will not [...] April 14, 2012 4:51 pm
  • marc: i have no real faith, but I admire those that do. if i ever acquired it, i would decline and say it should be passed on to you to give you even more strength. thank you and i am in awe of you and your family. may you find peace April 15, 2012 7:02 pm
  • natalie: Marc, What a heartfelt comment. Thank you. April 15, 2012 9:11 pm
  • natalie: Pablo, God bless YOU. April 15, 2012 9:14 pm
  • natalie: Emily, Thank you. Blessings to you. I know, the pain never completely goes away. We just grow around it. With love, N April 15, 2012 9:15 pm
  • darlene: thank you for this lovely photo essay ... you love and sincere care shine through .... i, too, like you and the family, hold the same beliefs of a god who loves us and sent his only begotten son to help us back to live with our loving heavenly father .... your video shows that so explicitly ..... April 19, 2012 10:44 am
  • Mindy: Can't speak through my tears . . .such beautiful, powerful images. April 19, 2012 11:48 am
  • Lynnette: this is beautiful Ms Natalie. and was touched by the words of God. blessings to you. love from Malaysia April 19, 2012 6:02 pm
  • Suzette: Imagine doing a funeral of a 4year old boy 5 and a half years after you have barried your elder son...the test was to contain yourself and capture the beauty of the caring people surrounding the grave... April 20, 2012 5:47 am
  • Melody: Natalie, So very beautiful. I lost my sweet 17 year old daughter this past October in a car accident. How precious that the family has these beautiful photos to look back on. I would have loved to have the same at my daughter's funeral. You are so precious and such a beautiful person... inside and out. Sending love. Melody April 20, 2012 2:16 pm
  • Kerry: How did I stumble across this story, it is truly inspirational! Thank you so much for sharing this story & the video is beautiful! There are no words at the moment, just buckets of tears! April 20, 2012 3:48 pm
  • Holly: Wow, Natalie! Watching this definitely resulted in tears. Not only because of what this family has gone through, but for gratitude to my Saviour Jesus Christ. I'm so grateful for the knowledge I have, of the Plan of Salvation, and for the Atonement of Christ. What a beautiful, sweet young woman, similar age to me, that is now, no doubt, wrapped in the merciful arms of her Saviour. Such a beautiful powerpoint, incredible job with the photographs. April 20, 2012 11:12 pm
  • Deb: Wow! What a beautiful way for the family to continue to feel the love and support for them--the hugs and activity they weren't able to notice at the time they are now able to see. April 21, 2012 7:03 am
  • natalie: Melody, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. All my love and prayers to you as you navigate this hell. I pray that you will find LIGHT and LOVE along the way. Natalie April 23, 2012 9:05 am
  • Melinda: Tears. You really have a way of capturing emotion. Thank you for sharing this. Each image is amazing. Especially the little boy wiping a tear as they lower the casket. <3 May 5, 2012 12:29 am
  • Natalie Norton, delicadas fotografias de un funeral: [...] ser querido, sin caer en la falta de respeto. En Xataka Foto | Fotografía Post-Mortem Fotográfa | Natalie Norton Vía | Fotografia.com Fuente: [...] May 14, 2012 1:10 pm

click here to open post Apr 05, 2012 | posted in Baby Gavin, Brother Gavin, God is Good, Personal, inspiration | 13 comments

Sometimes, the missing* rolls in. Like a wet, heavy fog across the desert.

And it fills EVERY PORE OF MY BEING—every crevasse of my parched heart.

I look around. Everyone with their perfect babies, and their perfect pregnancies, and their perfect families. And my heart cries out. Tears stream down my cheeks and fall shamelessly upon my chest.

Life continues. PEOPLE continue. Continue to laugh, and smile, and love. . . and breeeeeeeeed.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. I WOULD NOT HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY. AND—

And the line between my joy for them and my ache for me. . . is at times, imperceptible. My family is still broken. Signs of grief, pain and overwhelming devastation still float to the surface from time to time. Often, they’re overwhelming, other times, they are tender and sweet. . . either way, they keep us connected to what’s true and real about the world, connected to the things that matter most. Connceted to our God and sealed to our faith in His plan for us.

I want to heal. I want to BE healed. I want my family to heal, my children to be made whole.  I desperately want these things. But healing prematurely would equate to lessons lost. And I want the lessons more than I don’t want the pain. As bitter as those words taste leaving my heart, they are true.

Because I don’t just want to live. I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!! I want to FEEEEEEEEEEEL. I want to BE—alive in my heart, in my understanding, in my influence. I want to be alive in my integrity. I want to say—”LIFE IS GOOD, GOD IS REAL, LOVE IS ALL AROUND US,” and when I do, I want to know it. In every pore. In every breath. In all of me.

I WANT.TO.LIVE.

*Dear You, The line between missing, self pity and overwhelming fear, is often imperceptible. THAT IS OK. Please know that. Sweet you, out there missing, hurting, wishing to be anywhere but here. It’s OK. YOU are OK. I do not judge your hurt. I do not ask you to quiet your pain, or to hide (from) your self pity, or self loathing, or from your desperation (wishing that it could all be different—willing to do anything you can to make it so). “Wherever you are, be there.” This wisdom comes from a heart that knows. A heart that would never judge you. Not ever. Don’t you dare judge yourself. You wake up every morning, and you breathe in and out all day long. Don’t you see the miracle that you are? Are you so clouded and confused that you are incapable of seeing what you are doing? You are walking on water. Despite it all, you breathe in and out all day long. In and out. All day long. You are a miracle. Just as you are. Do not judge that. And know, He “will go before your face . . . on your right hand and on your left, and [His] Spirit shall be in your hearts, and [His] angels round about you, to bear you up.” There are better days ahead. There are.

13 comments | add comment
  • Kate: Thank you for living April 5, 2012 12:23 pm
  • Ann Allred: (((((HUG)))))) April 5, 2012 12:35 pm
  • Erin Davenport: You are so courageous. Thank you for being so very open. Lots of love to you! April 5, 2012 12:36 pm
  • Kim Orlandini: I feel like you wrote this just for me today. How did you know? Tears. Weeping. Ugly. Tears. April 5, 2012 12:36 pm
  • Shefali Lindsey: Natalie, please know this...YOU. ARE. AMAZING! *hugs* April 5, 2012 1:47 pm
  • jaclyn: sending you peace and hugs, love and prayers. there is so much truth in your words, which is why i look forward to every time you post. i am currently reading, "one thousand gifts" by ann voskamp and she made a statement that sunk deep into my soul and brought me hope in my own painful journey. Hoping it will do the same for you: "I wonder too . . . if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see. To see through to God." > April 5, 2012 2:25 pm
  • Sidney Morgan: Natalie, i've been following you for a long time and keeping up with you through your blog. I am in love with your heart. Thank you so so so much for sharing this today. Sending you BIG hugs. April 5, 2012 5:43 pm
  • Talisha Reupena: I love your words and cannot fathom the pain that you go through on a daily basis. I hurt for you and others like you that have lost loved ones physically. As I sat watching General Conference, listening to President Monson speak of death and about Robert Blatchford's book, I thought of you. I thought of you as our prophet said these words, "Death is not what some people imagine. It is only like going into another room. In that room we shall find...the dear women and men and the sweet children we have loved and lost." I know that you have an understanding of the love and tender mercies the Lord has for you and everyone else. I thought of your Gavin being with your brother. I pray for comfort for you and your family. I look forward to the reunion of all of those we love so dearly and have passed through the veil. I am always touched by your words and am so grateful that you have impacted so many. I am grateful that you find strength to know God is REAL and that His plan is our key to TRUE happiness. Thank you for your loving and wonderful spirit and for sharing your heartache and pain as well as your happy and tender moments!! You are AMAZING!! April 5, 2012 6:32 pm
  • Amie White: Thank you for sharing your understanding and pure love. I know that it feels so good because you learned how to give it from the source. People can get to know God's heart a little better when they get a glimpse into yours. Thank you for the glimpse this morning. May this glimpse we get from one another of God's love inspire us to seek him more fully and with perfect faith in his ability to heal our broken parts. May his light shine through the cracks in our souls. Until the perfect day. Love to you Natalie. April 6, 2012 8:23 am
  • Shari Hanson: natalie you know i adore you and wish i could take away your pain, your ache, your emptiness... i know my words won't do that, but i hope that my prayers for you will continue to bring you peace and comfort in some small way. you truly have a gift with words...and you are using it for good. my life has been blessed by you...and I know countless others feel the same way. thank you for BREATHE and for every single other part of YOU that you've shared with me. xoxo from HB April 7, 2012 10:05 am
  • Jo Thomas: xxx April 8, 2012 5:03 am
  • Quinn: Thank you for writing, for sharing your journey. There are so many posts, like yours today that I can relate to so fully. That losing a son is so hard and bittersweet in so many ways. And the grief that continues on it necessary but oh so hard at times. There are so many days I focus on my healing and trying to heal my kids and it's so hard to watch your kids stuggle to heal and completely understand Heavenly Father's plan for all of us. Again, thanks again for writing and helping me through my journey. April 9, 2012 9:46 pm
  • Jamie: Thank you for these words, April 10, 2012 12:19 pm

Dreams.

click here to open post Mar 28, 2012 | posted in Personal, inspiration | 11 comments

Shot, layed-out and blogged, all from my phone. So very 2012.

11 comments | add comment
  • Shelly: Awesome quote --- and I LOVE this picture of Lincoln! March 28, 2012 8:11 am
  • kate: Exactly what I needed to hear today - thank you! March 28, 2012 9:26 am
  • Cyn: So great. And EXACTLY what need to embody over the next few weeks. You should totally put this in Lincoln's room :) March 28, 2012 9:31 am
  • joshua: Love it. What app did you use to layout the text? March 28, 2012 9:55 am
  • Amy Paulson: YOU are such a gift. Thank you. This just reaffirms all the things God has been trying to push into my head... March 28, 2012 10:55 am
  • kati: love that quote! March 28, 2012 11:54 am
  • Natalie: @Joshua, Phonto. If you find a better one, let me know. This is good, but there are things about it that I definitely don't love. It can be a pain if you're doing more than just few words. March 28, 2012 3:11 pm
  • Noelle: I loved your story that aired between conference sessions. Thank you for sharing your life. April 1, 2012 12:28 pm
  • Liz: Beautiful!! April 1, 2012 4:15 pm
  • natalie: Noelle, THANK YOU!!! xoxoxo! April 1, 2012 11:09 pm
  • natalie: Everyone who commented on this post: I love you. But seriously. I just love that you LOVE this quote as much as I do. It is so deeply true and so remarkably important. Mwa! Let's be best friends forever. Deal? (And ps. Thanks for not mocking me about the uncapitalized P in Pressfield. . . again, done from my phone. . . not a lot of attention to detail on that baby screen) April 1, 2012 11:10 pm

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