let's be friends, wanna?

camping.

click here to open post Oct 06, 2010 | posted in Baby Gavin, Brother Gavin, Personal | 21 comments

Above, Harrison, Idaho. From or 2 month long road trip/camping extravaganza.
Image Credit: Raleigh (left) Yours Truly (right)  . . both shot with the instax mini 7s

I am in a FUNK.

Of the deep and the dark variety.

So clearly, camping is the only remedy.

Though admittedly it’s heart-wrenching to be here. . . where a year ago to this very week I camped on this very same beach, 9 months pregnant and blissfully unaware of the chasm ahead.

. . . . . . . . .

Ah, the loop of time for the grieving heart.

A custom tailored Hell. Desolate, despondent and horrifying.

An indescribably lonely place to be.

I’ll see you when I pull myself together, because we all know that I will.

In the mean time, I’m giving myself permission to be a mess.

Because quite frankly, after all I’ve been through with gavin 1 and then gavin 2 (before the first was even cold in his grave), if I weren’t, I’d wonder what was wrong with myself.

So there.

xx, N

21 comments | add comment
  • sonya: friend. sorry to hear your in a funk. when my husband says he's in a funk. i say get the funk out. become a mess. let god take over. let god take care of you. sometimes messes are too big for humans to handle. October 6, 2010 12:28 pm
  • Damaris: I'm coming to Hawaii for Christmas. Last Christmas I ran into Richie and the boys at the visitor center. I told him I wanted to come and see you and baby Gavin. He said I should come and I never did. This time I am coming to see you (if you don't mind of course) and I don't mind if you're a mess and frankly I'm glad you're allowing yourself to not mind so much either. October 6, 2010 12:46 pm
  • Mindy Schmidt: Random blog reader here, just wanted to say I love your blog, your optimistic outlook and appreciation for life despite what you've been dealt, and I think you have every right to throw your hair in a sloppy pony, sport some comfy ugly pjs, and lay in bed eating ice-cream straight from the container. God bless! October 6, 2010 1:27 pm
  • shari: funkiest of all funks friend....i'm so sorry. allow yourself to FEEL it and let it out. and enjoy mother nature. enjoy your boys. breathe lots of fresh air and cry lots of cleansing tears. xo from HB October 6, 2010 1:50 pm
  • buy an essay: Din’t you have some knowledge that we were glad provide with students nice fact related with this post. We promise that men buy custom essay papers and have the high quality custom essays writing companies to buy term paper at. October 6, 2010 4:39 pm
  • oneshotbeyond: Don't count on pulling yourself together...and please, please, please don't take that in a negative way. Tragedies rip out parts of us & embed other qualities we never expected deep into the core of us. You most likely will not ever fee the same as you did before both Gavin's were lost, but out of it you will be stronger, more intuitive, extra sensitive to others and more grateful for the moments you have with the people you still do have in your life. With loss comes gain. Not in the form we crave, but in the form that can heal us. You DON'T have to pull yourself together. You have every right to feel a hollowness inside that seems as endless as the open sea. I have been there and honestly am still there at any given moment I need to be. You will have better days, even good ones...but the thoughts, the what if's, the desire to have them back, the fears of what may happen in the future and your desire to feel whole again are going to be a new part of your life. One you will get used to and carry with you. It cannot be avoided. I used to wish it could be avoided myself, but all in all everything that has happened will make you a better mother, wife, friend, communicator & photographer. You know how much purpose your life has for those around you. You have every reason to share your experience by living it in whatever way feels right to you. If the pain & loneliness never cease it goes to show how special your two Gavin's were and it will serve as a reminder to cherish all the other special ones in your life. By the way, you are NOT a mess. You clearly are NOT a mess. Tell yourself "I am not a mess" everyday if you need to...a hundred times a day. For you to be on a camping trip right now and for you to be writing coherently at all is proof that you are Not as mess. You are totally appropriate in your grief. Give your boys & hubby hugs every chance you get. That is how you will heal the moments of desolation. You are loved. They were loved. You know you're loved. They knew they were loved. What more in life or death can we ask for than to be loved? I use my pain to fuel my happiness. Without some pain I would not be able to appreciate joy as strongly. I pray that you will embrace your journey and not feel compelled to heal in a certain way, to a particular degree or in a specific amount of time. “There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be.” Leon Bloy October 6, 2010 4:44 pm
  • Alan: I've got a little blog and I was wondering if I can I use some of the information from this post if I provide a link back to your site? If you would rather not, that's okay, but this was a good post. October 6, 2010 6:50 pm
  • Kerri: Wow. That message from oneshotbeyond was gorgeous. I have nothing more to add but words of love and support. You are amazing and you are allowed to, supposed to, grieve. October 6, 2010 7:43 pm
  • liko: have your human moments. you're entitled to. and enjoy camp with your boys! October 6, 2010 9:07 pm
  • Carrie: In grief, we are most aware that we are not alone. We are never alone. But ironically, there is no lonelier place to be. It is then that we know we must trust in HIM. for only HE knows the HOW. Prayers and Love to you and yours. October 6, 2010 11:19 pm
  • Tami: Life is hard enough when you haven't lost a son or a brother.....it is down right brutal.....you have every right!!!! Love you Nat!!! Still in my prayers. October 7, 2010 3:58 am
  • Annie Link: I'm on my way . . . and we'll muck around together in that funk until it shines like the top of the Chrysler building. October 9, 2010 8:41 am
  • Naomi: You're NOT a mess....you're a grieving mother and that's okay! And there are going to be places, things, people, situations, etc. that will take you back to that time...it is very real...and will put you "in a funk" but that's okay! God knows all of it and He knows you. He will give you what you need to pull through and stand again and move forward. He is faithful....always faithful. I will pray for you....from one mother who knows your grief and "funk" all too well. Hugs! October 9, 2010 7:03 pm
  • Erika Plummer: Dear Natalie, Thank you for opening your heart and soul to us on this blog. I am so very grateful for your honesty and candor. With a Mother's heart I cannot help to cry along with you but can't begin to know the pain you feel. i do very much admire your faith and the love you pour over your family. xo, E October 9, 2010 8:36 pm
  • Kristy Carlson: A good n proper funk is hard to shake. Thinkin of you. October 11, 2010 8:45 am
  • i like car rims: hi do you like car rims? October 11, 2010 11:34 pm
  • Metta Prieto: You know what, Natalie? I was on my way home today and driving on the freeway in the dark evening and I thought of you and cried all over again about your baby son Gavin. Watching my own little girl grow up through these months makes me grateful every day that I have her. I don't take a day for granted anymore. Today we went in for vaccinations, and I am no longer a mom who might cry over a shot, I am a mom who hands my baby's leg to the nurse and says, "go for it" because it's worth it to me now. By the way, your new blog rocks. Honestly, the light avocado green is a little hard to read against the white, but all in all, the design is superb and reflects the quality of your work really well. Good job. October 13, 2010 5:39 pm
  • dolly: I've been thinking of you as this anniversary of life and the passing of life is approaching you. Among the best of the guardian angels above (and I personally know some great ones)... yours are carefully and watchfully and lovingly letting you make the most of it. The funky part means that you are alive, with your hands dirty, playing in the mud. The refreshing part is when your sweet mama washes them squeaky clean and feeds you some delicious and nutritious. Here's to the smell of soap and lather and a fresh, terry towel! XXOO October 14, 2010 3:22 am
  • Kim: Nat...I love you. I wish it weren't only virtually right now that I can comfort you. Let me leave it at this: I have been thinking about you and praying for you multiple times per day since Oct 1. *tears* in my eyes and in my heart for you. Thank you for always making me stronger. May you find the same strength... October 15, 2010 7:47 pm
  • Kim: P.S. Will Annie Link adopt me? October 15, 2010 7:48 pm
  • natalie norton: Kim, yes, she totally will. in a heartbeat! October 16, 2010 10:08 am

Portland.

click here to open post Sep 01, 2010 | posted in Brother Gavin, Personal | 13 comments

Portland smells like Heaven.

People here smile. . . with authenticity.

and I like it.

They here don’t offer you bags at checkout counters.

and they seem to have traded their Birkenstocks for Toms.

I like it here.

and everything about it makes me miss you.

The two of you would have gotten along nicely.

Portland and you.

Enough Tom foolery.

I love you.

Time to come home.

13 comments | add comment
  • Alexandra: :-(.. The good will always be sheltered with the hope of a new life... ...this is only one part of our lives that we have to get through, and once this part ends, the more vibrant, beautiful, and perfect one begins. Someday you can tell him all about Portland yourself. September 2, 2010 2:45 am
  • sara walker: I am so glad to hear you love this place. Oregon is my home and I love it...you couldnt find a better place to live despite the rain :) September 2, 2010 4:35 am
  • Courtney: my city... grew up here and am still here because i love it so! whenever i leave, it is the most wonderful place to come back to for many of the reasons you mentioned. September 2, 2010 5:07 am
  • shelly: So beautiful, Natalie. Love you! September 2, 2010 6:25 am
  • annie link: This post will stay in my heart all month. Every word echoed in my heart. especially the spaces between the words Because every bit of it is truth. (He told me one day that Portland is where he planned to live.) hmmm I'll say it again with you: It's time to come home. I love you Natty Gann. Thank you for knowing. September 2, 2010 6:30 am
  • mer: so true... such a wonderfully beautiful city. so much texture, healthy pace and creative energy. love it! travel safely. September 2, 2010 7:54 am
  • tiffany garfield: I love Portland! It's so green and smells SO good. It is my favorite place to go on a long run. I could run for hours...real slow, but for hours. Oh and Toms, best shoes ever! September 2, 2010 8:29 pm
  • Debra: Portland just has a "feel" to it that visitors and homegrown residents feel alike. You missed the sun by 2 days! :) September 3, 2010 2:39 pm
  • rach: I would say, Portland is a place I could totally see Gavin. Definitely his place. By the way: love the picture through the car window. HOW DO YOU DO IT?! September 6, 2010 11:55 am
  • Natalie Norton: oh rachel, stop. I'm blushing. September 7, 2010 5:55 am
  • ashley: wow, i just learned so much about your brother by what you just wrote. the way the rain makes everything smell clean and alive, the green that breathes life even through the dead of winter and the gray skies that don't feel sad. Just thoughtful. and almost like magic. September 7, 2010 3:31 pm
  • Lindsey Petersen: I just read this post to my husband as we are sitting here chatting and exchanging stories about our day....You have such a way with how each word goes together, and how you don't have to say much to allow us to feel so much. It makes me want to be your friend.(sorry if thats weird) :) September 9, 2010 5:21 pm
  • Peter: Gotta love the Northwest. Having left the Pacific NW in 1998, and now having lived in Florida for 12 years, I miss the green, I miss the people, etc. September 11, 2010 11:38 am

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