I’m tired.

of the white noise and the incessant chatter.

of the inundation of useless information.

of being interested in irrelevance.

I’m exhausted by of the cynicism and the babble.

I have no energy left for the insincerity.

Because life’s too short.

Too short not to find time to splash in puddles just because.

Too short not to mold play dough into the shape of martians with a beautiful 4 year old whose infectious giggle and knack for GOOD conversation are the stuff dreams are made of.

Too short to miss out on rolling around on the trampoline with a 5 year old who has more passion in his upper lip than any adult I’ve ever met the world over.

Too short not to be reading Charlotte’s Web with a soulful 7 year old who every.single.day reminds me of the goodness of God and the beauty of life.

Too short not to be dreaming of a beautiful little boy, whose memory ignites my soul in a way that defies description.

Too short not to be walking on the beach, hand in hand, with a man who loves me all the way to Jupiter and right back again.

I want to laugh. To cry. To love. To LIVE.

. . . in the here and now.

Before it flits away into foggy yesterdays.

because life’s too short not to splash in puddles just because.

Had I known your days were numbered,
I’d have stopped and counted every breath you took.

Had I known how quickly the clock was ticking,
I’d have lay awake nights simply to watch you sleep.

Had I known the fleeting presence of your mortal life on the vast radar of eternity,
I’d have put the world on pause to hold you against my heart.

Every moment, of every day . . . until that fateful last.

I continue to hold you, my perfect son.
No longer over my heart, but in it.

Happy birthday beautiful boy.

I love you with all of me.

xx, Mommy

Above, Harrison, Idaho. From or 2 month long road trip/camping extravaganza.
Image Credit: Raleigh (left) Yours Truly (right)  . . both shot with the instax mini 7s

I am in a FUNK.

Of the deep and the dark variety.

So clearly, camping is the only remedy.

Though admittedly it’s heart-wrenching to be here. . . where a year ago to this very week I camped on this very same beach, 9 months pregnant and blissfully unaware of the chasm ahead.

. . . . . . . . .

Ah, the loop of time for the grieving heart.

A custom tailored Hell. Desolate, despondent and horrifying.

An indescribably lonely place to be.

I’ll see you when I pull myself together, because we all know that I will.

In the mean time, I’m giving myself permission to be a mess.

Because quite frankly, after all I’ve been through with gavin 1 and then gavin 2 (before the first was even cold in his grave), if I weren’t, I’d wonder what was wrong with myself.

So there.

xx, N

above first day of school shots taken on the instax mini 7s

Today I opened Baby Gavin’s closet and silently ran my hand along his clothes . . . hanging there, untouched for so many months, still adorned with tags and the smell of newness.

And my heart was so heavy.  My arms so empty.  My soul so full of sorrow.

Then I heard the howl of laughter from the living room and was reminded of YOU.  All you continue to give me every day.  All you represent.  All your very lives do to remind me of the hope and wonder of living.

You remind me that He hasn’t forgotten us.  That we are not forsaken.  He holds us still. . . even in the midst of pain and indescribable sorrow. . . in the very palm of his hand.

Thank you.

Mommy loves you with all of her.

xx,

Me

today I am not blogging.

because I just don’t feel like it.

and given the circumstances that are my life currently, I think it’s perfectly acceptable for me to choose not to do something simply because I don’t wanna.

and.I.don’t.wanna.

so, tonight I am saying NO to my blog, and YES to a pint of ice cream and a movie with my man.

goodnight.

xx!

me

ps. tay tay and I are planning a me and tay tay trip.  to get as far away from our realities as we possibly can.  (she lost half of her heart recently as well when she lost her precious Walt late term).

Where oh where should we go together?

We want to relax, to heal, to recharge. . . to ESCAPE (could be read “hide” we’re totally fine with using the words interchangeably).

We want to be prudent. . .  like unless one of you has a villa to lend, we won’t likely be hopping off to the south of france. . . but hey, if you DO happen to have a villa to contribute to the cause, I’m not above your charity. ;)

pipe in.  where should we go?! we’re looking at late october.

Loves, N