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In 2010, our perfect *”Baby Gavin” returned to Heaven after losing a courageous battle with **Pertussis (whooping cough). We are eternally and profoundly grateful to the thousands upon thousands (upon thousands) of friends and strangers from all over the world, of all faiths and creeds, who united with our family in prayer during Baby Gavin’s horrific illness and who grieved with us and continued to petition God in our behalf during the dark days following his tragic death. You may read Gavin’s story as it unfolded by visiting my old blog here. I am committed to sharing my ongoing struggles with grief and our journey toward joy here on the new blog. I am always humbled and amazed by the continued outpouring of love and support. Thank you for sharing in our journey and inspiring us with your unceasing love! God is good!
*My brother Gavin passed away unexpectedly in 2007. With all these Angel Gavins, it can get a little confusing at times, so just know that when I refer to “Gavin” I’m referring to my wonderful brother. When I refer to “Baby Gavin,” it is in reference to my perfect son, both of whom I cannot wait to see in Heaven!
**You will periodically see me blog about The Sounds of Pertussis campaign. I am an unpaid spokesperson and am only compensated travel expenses where applicable for my involvement with this important cause. Join our fight against this deadly communicable disease at www.soundsofpertussis.com or like us on facebook at www.facebook.com/soundsofpertussis.
What a WONDERFUL day!
Because of the miracle of Jesus Christ, we’re 1 year closer to everything being just as it should!
I cannot wait to kiss those little toes, but I’ve got a whole lot of living to do in between!
It would be a miracle to live for a century and have even a fraction of his short life’s influence for good!
October 24, 2009-January 7, 2010
God is good. ALL.THE.TIME.
Dear Ashley,
There are not words for you. Do you know that?
You were literally dropped into the front seat of my car, by a loving Heavenly Father, as an answer to the deepest prayer of my heart. You stepped in, rolled up your sleeves, and revolutionized my business, my household, my family and my life.
This post is fitting for this week, because all week long, as I’ve been neck deep in grief over the baby, I feel like I’ve simultaneously been neck deep in grief over you.
When I got the news, obviously my first thoughts and feelings were complete and total sorrow for Alden, for you, for everything surrounding what you’re up against. I was soul sick. So sorry. So so so sorry. Desiring simply to take it all away. I love you both and hate to see you hurt.
Then you left me in awe. Absolutely blew me away. I am completely inspired by the two of you. Your willingness to step up and do and be everything you need to for your family. . .You felt the fear and leaped anyway. Completely inspirational. Richie and I have so much respect for the two of you.
I feel so blessed to have you both in my life. You make me want to be better.
So here we stand. At a crossroads. Each of us headed off to wonderful places. Though thorny roads may lie ahead. . . Oh the places we’ll go! ;)
I’m so very sorry to see you go, but I am so happy to watch you fly!!
The world is yours. All of it.
I love you.
xx,
Me
all image credit this post: Uncle Jonathan Canlas
“There is beauty all around.”
I tweeted that the day of Baby Gavin’s funeral.
It was as true then as it is today.
There is beauty everywhere and always.
Sometimes, when you’re “knee deep in the thick of life,” as I like to say, it’s so easy to get focused on your feet. To feel the weight of the world as it threatens to CRUSH your very soul. We’ve all been there. Don’t you dare dream, for even an instant, that I think grief and pain are exclusive to me or my individual set of circumstances. We’ve all got our “stuff,” and as a runner, I’ll tell you what, it only takes a very small pebble to bring you to your knees.
Life gets heavy . . . and oftentimes so.
Even the small stuff can feel completely and totally insurmountable.
Sometimes it’s not fair. Sometimes we feel all alone. Sometimes we can’t see any way up and out. Sometimes we literally feel like we’re being SUFFOCATED.
I’ll tell you this: “Look up!” Get your eyes off your feet and up to the Heavens, because there’s ALWAYS something to be grateful for.
In gratitude, there is healing.
In gratitude, there is relief.
In gratitude, there is hope.
In gratitude, there is companionship.
In gratitude, there is comfort.
In gratitude. . .there is God.
And there really is beauty all around.
See, I told you so.
xx,
Me
One of the hardest things about this year has been not having you here to walk me through it.
So many times I have needed you. So many times, I have ached to have you here by my side, with your perfect compassion, your perfect empathy, your perfect understanding. . .your wisdom.
You are so wise.
There have been times when I’ve felt like I was falling. Falling into a chasm of eternal depth and indescribable confusion, and it was your memory that brought me through. Specifically, it was the strength I gained from having had to say goodbye to you.
You in so many ways saved me.
Losing you, saved me.
It prepared me for what would have otherwise been absolutely insurmountable. I am so amazed by God, so grateful for the gift of our goodbye. . . but how can I say that I’m grateful you went first, when in the self same breath I would give ANYTHING to have you back?
If only for a moment.
To see your smile. Touch your rough hands. Laugh at your perfect comedic timing and stand amazed at the perfection of your wit.
You were perfect for me and I was perfect for you. We were so blessed to have had each other. So.Very.Blessed.
Just the two of us.
But, His knowledge is perfect, isn’t it!? He leaves me in awe, for I never could have survived had it not been for what came first. Had it not been for YOU.
In losing you, I learned the way of grief. Learned that the horror would pass. Learned that I was never alone. Learned to know Him not only as my Savior, but as my friend. My perfect friend.
I learned to take each day, each moment as it came, to ride the wave of grief. To simply allow it to wash over me. I learned to have faith that it would pass and that I would be whole again. I learned not to be afraid. . . I learned to FIGHT. I learned to fight for clarity, to fight, rather than to sink into circumstance. Not to be consumed by grief, but to OWN it. To feel it. To let it fuel my faith and infuse my courage.
And realizing that fight that lies deep within me has been one of the most significant blessings of my life.
YOU continue to be, one of the most significant blessings of my life.
You live on in each of my boys. I see you in them every single day, and I tell them so. You are very much alive in my heart and in this family. You have to know that.
The two of us. . . oh for that day when we will be together again.
I love you. SO MUCH. Every breath and more.
May my life shine as yours did. That would be the greatest accomplishment to which I could ever aspire.
This one’s for you.
xx,
Me
Remember that night?
When you were dying, but daddy wasn’t there yet?
Did you know how frightened I was?
I tried so hard to steady my voice.
I tried so hard to steady my hands as I searched for any vacant space on your tender body, that wasn’t covered by tubes and wires, where I could stroke you. . . to let you know I hadn’t left your side.
I remember that night like it was yesterday.
I remember being told not to leave the hospital. I remember being told to stay with you until morning, because he thought you would die in the night. Though he never said as much. He was kind, but had very little faith in us. You and I. In our love for each other. In what that love was capable of . And he didn’t know what we knew. He didn’t know that God was on our side and that He never loses. GOD NEVER LOSES.
But for the first time, I was really afraid. I mean REALLY, REALLY horrified.
Silent prayers ROARED from my broken heart to Heavens door. And I was filled with peace. A peace that perhaps I misunderstood, but that proved to be perfect in the end.
And in that peace, I found courage. I stood over your bed, and with one hand on each side of your beautiful face:
Tonight, as I read these words, I wept. Oh how I cried.
Because I could hear you.
I could hear you saying these words to me.
Over and over and over and over.
And again.
As I looked back along the dusty, lonely road I’ve traveled this year, I could suddenly see you, there, walking right by my side.
Oh son, thank you! Thank you for not leaving me to go it alone!
I will never stop fighting for you; I will never stop fighting for them, because I know what I’m fighting for. And I know who’s team I’m on.
And like I said before, God NEVER loses. GOD NEVER LOSES.
With all of me,
Mom
PS. Thank you for holding on for your Daddy. Oh! Thank you!
