today I am not blogging.

because I just don’t feel like it.

and given the circumstances that are my life currently, I think it’s perfectly acceptable for me to choose not to do something simply because I don’t wanna. But I did recently book the best hotels in Miami florida. Tay tay and I are planning a me and tay tay trip.  to get as far away from our realities as we possibly can.  (she lost half of her heart recently as well when she lost her precious Walt late term).


so, tonight I am saying NO to my blog, and YES to a pint of ice cream and a movie with my man.




Where oh where should we go together?

We want to relax, to heal, to recharge. . . to ESCAPE (could be read “hide” we’re totally fine with using the words interchangeably) maybe just one night we would luike to try something new, Im not sure if like my sister the time she did the same thing but ended  up at a strip club and she was bragging about the best male strip club packages in Melbourne or using a a site for finding male dancers Melbourne. You can also click here for more information.

We want to be prudent. . .  like unless one of you has a villa to lend, we won’t likely be hopping off to the south of france. . . but hey, if you DO happen to have a villa to contribute to the cause, I’m not above your charity. ;)

pipe in.  where should we go?! we’re looking at late october.

Loves, N

click here to open post Sep 20, 2010 | posted in Personal | 12 comments

image credit: Jon


Dear Heavenly Father.

Thank you for today.

Lincoln interrupts:

Be sure to say amen when it’s done!


Please help us to be rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich.

So so rich.

Sooooooo rich.

. . . so we can buy lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots-

Lincoln again:



Of bananas.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.



Mom, we want a sister.


hmm. . . we’ll have to see about that.


You should have triplets, or what’s that other thing called?




Yeah, twins.


Raleigh, there is a mom who’s an Octomom!


Wait! There’s really a mom with EIGHT LEGS?!


Lincoln on the phone with Pop:

lots of bla bla bla bla bla.

Pop Pop:

Lincoln, we need to get your mom the new I Phone so we can see each other while we talk!

(Conversation goes on for another 5 min or so about other exciting, albeit completely unrelated, things).

Lincoln finally gets it:

So Pop Pop, do YOU have an i phone?

Pop Pop:



So Pop Pop, you can see my ear?!



gotta get 2 weddings and one hot shot birthday party culled and off to Fotofafa for proofing.

email is swallowing me whole.

have a fun anniversary shoot this afternoon!

the blog is in dire need of a legitimate update.

. . . .

I think it’s safe to say I probably won’t see you again until Tuesday.

Happy Mondaying!



PS- Today (Monday, 9/20) is the last day to order your product in time to join the get healthy game!  tie a string on your finger!

click here to open post Sep 16, 2010 | posted in Personal | 32 comments

POST EDITED TO INCLUDE: if you have any questions about the challenge or about the isagenix products, Angel will be answering your questions in the comment section of this post. Or you can email her at angelinparadise17{at}yahoo{dot}com.

Eeeeeeeveryone keeps asking how I lost the baby weight. (32 pounds of it thank you kindly, and yes, baby fat + no baby is the ultimate suck of the universe).

Here’s the scoop:

1. I spent a lot of time feeling hungry. . . A LOT of time feeling hungry.

2.  I did a lot of Bikram Yoga. . . a LOT of Bikram Yoga. (I ended many many many classes curled in a ball in silent sobs . . . TOTALLY believe that yoga is an exercise for the mind, body and spirit- caused MAJOR emotional releases for me)

3.  Isagenix 30 day cleanse. . . 2 back to back.  Lost 17 lbs the first month, 15 the second. I LOVE this program. More on that below.

Now, granted, I did gain a little of this weight back over the space of 4 months (like 10 ish lbs) with all the travel I’ve done since May and the crazy road trip food of all of June and July, but that really ain’t too shabby. . . you should have seen how I ate and how sedentary I was. Now to loose that weight in trying the Meticore Pills .

I’ve decided to start another Isagenix 30 day cleanse and wanted to invite YOU to join me!! + if you do, you have a chance at winning $200!

My friend Angel, aside from being one of my dearest friends of all time, an amazing wife and mother, a complete and total inspiration to EVERYONE who knows her, and having a fancy masters degree in awesomeness (what is your degree actually in Angel? I’m such a bad friend for not remembering. . . psychology? Social work?). . . anyway, in addition to all this, she is an Isagenix Consultant.  Which basically means she not only sells the product, but she coaches you along the way to make sure you achieve your goals.

Angel recently invited me to join her in an Isagenix challenge and I couldn’t be more excited so I wanted to extend the invitation to YOU!

The way it works in a nutshell: you form teams of 6 and try to score as many points during a day as possible (the point system isn’t connected to weightloss so anyone of any build or physical condition can play and win!).  Points are scored in a variety of ways: meals, exercise, water consumption, supporting team members through calls, emails, texts or etc, drinking enough water etc etc etc.  The winning team will receive $200 per team member!  If you’re interested in playing, contact Angel for more details or to order the 30 day cleanse.  Her email is angelinparadise17{at} yahoo{dot}com.

Orders need to be placed by September 20th in order to be sure you’ve got what you need to begin your cleanse by the start date of the game: SEPT 27th.

There is also a game starting soon for a simple 9 day cleanse, so if the 30 sounds too daunting for you or you’re on a budget, this could be a great option for you.

I can’t tell you how much I love this program. Here are some of the reasons I love isagenix:

1. 32 lbs. enough said.
2.  The mental (read “creative”) clarity I felt after sticking with the program for a solid amount of time was REMARKABLE (that’s what I’m most hungry for: how well my mind functions when my body is getting proper nutrition).
3.  My sleep was more restful than it has been in years.
4.  I had more patience with my kids.
5.  My skin was wonderfully clear and “radiant” for lack of a better word (though I must credit that in part to the yoga as well. . . sweating off those toxins, makes you glow).
6.  There is an emotional component associated with a cleanse of this type.  I know this sounds hokey, but I started to feel more peaceful and connected to myself on a deeper level. . . I began to feel more authentic, more genuine. . . more happy.

YOU deserve all those wonderful things in YOUR life.  I know that sounds like a sales pitch, but it’s so totally not. I am being 1000% genuine. You really truly do deserve all those wonderful things and many more.

I’d LOVE to have you on my team!  No guarantees though, it’s first come first served.  But just so everyone knows.  My team is SO TOTALLY GOING TO WIN!

Join me!



Today I had this memory.

and I can’t describe my joy.

I was so grateful because, my mind? Well, it’s quite literally broken.  I can’t seem to remember anything of significance. Ever.

I ache for my memories to return. Even the horrifying ones.  Because, they’re proof that I lived.

No, they’re proof that HE lived . . . and that I loved him . . .

Beyond all that, I can’t even seem to formulate the most simple of sentences in mundane conversation and worst of all, I can’t write.

and THAT literally

It has been my singular respite. and now. . . it’s gone. . .  just like him. Up and gone.

Whine. Whine. Whine.


Here’s what I remembered.  Don’t judge my inability to articulate.


I was in the hospital. Alone.

His temperature so dangerously high they had to consistently keep him on a referigerated pad (like, the pad was literally a freaking refrigerator, set to like negative 47 billion degrees fahrenheit).

Swollen beyond recognition. . . blue, he was so pale.

I would sit for hours that felt like solitary moments . . . holding those puffy little feet (the only part of his body that wasn’t covered completely by wires and tubes), the skin on them so taut it looked ready to tear open at a moment’s notice.

His limbs, ice to the touch.  His core, a furnace.

Silent tears fell from my chin as I longed to simply hold my baby in my arms.  To press his sweet body against my own.

Then. . .

Then a man placed a cup of lotion in my hand.

And it smelled like magic.  Like another reality all together.  Far far away from the Hell where we were living.

This familiar world was one of bath time and snuggly towels right out of the dryer.  It smelled of crazy tumult at bedtime and a million more last chances before mom  locks the door.    It smelled like dreams and promise and forever.  Like growing up.  Like the promise of skinned knees and bicycle helmets.  It smelled like surfing. It smelled like forever, here, together.

I remember words awkwardly expressed.  Something about how it would feel good to Gavin to have me rub lotion into his feet, that his skin was probably so sore from the edema. . .

I didn’t realize it then but this was an outright lie.  He couldn’t feel me. He was sedated beyond imagination.  But me? It was me that needed to feel him.  To really feel my son.

And that angel nurse knew it.

He saw my pain; really saw. Understood. Responded with absolute compassion and knowing that could only have been inspired by a loving Father in Heaven.

I needed to rub that lotion on my son. I needed to do something, anything NORMAL for my child.  Something that reminded me that despite how helpless I felt, he was still mine and he needed me.

I sat for moments that felt like hours putting lotion on those icy little feet.  Singing him a lullaby. . .  I don’t actually remember if I sang, another black hole in the memory of that dreadful abyss that was my life in the PICU, but I hope I did.  I hope with all my heart that I sang my son a song.

I rubbed lotion on his little toes. . . and I hope I sang.

and I felt like his mommy.  I really did. For a brief moment.  I felt like his mother. Caring for my son the way any normal mother in any normal world would.

So, to that wonderful angel who handed me that cup. . . thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

My son died that night.

click here to open post Sep 11, 2010 | posted in Personal | 5 comments

On this day of all days.

I couldn’t say nothing.

and I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

so. . .  I’ll let Bill Clinton (of all people) do the talking. . .

because this. . .
well, this is brilliant.

this is beautiful.

and this, well, this is true.

“There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.”

God bless this land that I love.

And to those of you who lost on that dreadful day . . .
know that today, a girl in the middle of the Pacific ocean knelt and said a prayer for you.